(It's probably plagiarism to copy a work, verbatim, but Only Doing It Once.)
CAIRO—According to late-breaking reports emerging from Damascus, Gaza, Baghdad and elsewhere across the region, the deadly, generations-long conflict in the Middle East was not resolved today.
Reporters at Mideast bureau offices as well as scores of eyewitnesses on the ground are confirming that, as of press time, local militant groups, government forces, insurgents, and religious fundamentalists in multiple countries had neither reached a ceasefire agreement nor secured a peace deal, and as a result did not usher in a new era of tolerance and stability to the region Monday.
Additionally, 100 percent of accounts confirm that the situation is presently violent and unsettled.
"We can officially announce that lasting peace was not established across the Middle East today," said head of the United Nations Peacekeeping Department Hervé Lasdous in an afternoon press conference, confirming that the decades-old clashes that pervade nearly every country in the area had not been solved during the past 24 hours. "Ongoing political disputes, sectarian violence, and terrorist activity have not, as of yet, been brought to an end today, as no sides came together to seek a peaceful conclusion to the bloodshed and turmoil. A peace deal was not even considered, let alone drawn up or ratified."
"After years of bitter, bloody conflict, we can state that the atrocities and violence that were once synonymous with the Middle East are still very much synonymous with the Middle East," he added.
Lasdous' comments were corroborated by numerous Middle Eastern heads of state, leaders of terrorist organizations, and tribal warlords, all of whom separately confirmed that the most entrenched and divisive conflicts of the modern age, which have left millions dead and disaffected tens of millions more, have not been settled in any military, diplomatic, or humanitarian sense in the past few hours.
At the time this article went to print, the latest reports indicated that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict; the Syrian civil war; the Sunni-Shia conflict; the war in Afghanistan; the Iraqi insurgency; violent protests in Turkey and Egypt; fighting between Arabs and ethnic Kurds; the Sinai insurgency; internal unrest in Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen; and dozens of other conflicts were, in fact, still ongoing. Moreover, dozens of sources confirmed that brutality and strife, and not peace and prosperity, continued to dominate daily life in the region as of 6 p.m. local time today.
According to high-level sources with knowledge of the situation, the conflict is likely to persist into tonight and may continue into tomorrow as well.
"Neither we, nor our enemies, set down our arms today in the spirit of building peace," said Abu Ubaida, a leader of the Palestinian resistance group al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigade, who stated that the idea of putting aside differences with his adversaries and working toward a mutually agreeable solution "really didn't cross [his] mind" either this morning or this afternoon. "We did not find any common ground with the other side. We did not develop a roadmap to peace. And we certainly didn't sit down in good faith with our historic enemies with the shared recognition that what both sides truly desire is a future for our children in which they are safe from harm. That definitely didn't happen."
"It's safe to say that, since we awoke today, we haven't taken any measurable step toward ending the persistent cycle of hatred and hostility that has defined our lives for generations," Ubaida continued. "In fact, our sworn enemies remain just that, and we're actually quite committed to going on killing them."
Hailing the day's developments as "pretty much the same" as those of any other day, sources throughout the region reported feeling not even the slightest bit hopeful about the prospect of a brighter future, citing no discernable change in the level of fighting and instability they experienced relative to the day before. Additionally, residents noted that the detonation of multiple car bombs, the massacre of innocent civilians, the perpetration of dozens of kidnappings, and the use of chemical weapons against a state's own citizens were all concrete realities that had occurred within the past several hours, suggesting that, if anything, their lives may have actually grown worse since yesterday.
In addition, the region's top diplomatic figures confirmed that they did not broker a historic peace accord Monday and therefore did not finally bring tranquility and a spirit of reconciliation to a people who had known nothing but war and hardship for generations.
"Didn't happen today," said President of the Syrian National Council George Sabra, speaking to reporters amid audible gunfire and occasional nearby explosions. "Nope. Not even close."
Added Sabra, "We'll let you know if it does."
The Onion will continue to follow this story as it develops. Readers are encouraged to continue checking this website for hourly updates on whether the Middle East conflict has been resolved.