10/9/07

Fwd: another web based, maybe funny blog

Welcome, Pikesville fans. Today we interview John Forbes Nash, Jr.
Dr. Nash was an eminent but psycho and schizo genius. He was a
Research Mathematician at Princeton University and Nobel prize winner.
His biography was made into a movie named "A Beautiful Mind" and he
was played by Russell Crowe.
Me: "Hello, Dr. Nash."
JN: "Hi there. Call me John."
Me: "Hi, John. Welcome to 'A Beautiful Pikesville'."
JN: "What's that all about?"
Me: "We are looking for ways to make this town a better place to live."
JN: "Oh, really? So why do you think it needs to be a better place?
Isn't it already 'Beautiful'?"
Me: "Yes, but we brought you back from the dead to discuss some of
your mathematical theories on competition and cooperation."
JN: "Yes, I am dead right now, aren't I. I am not imagining that, I
don't think. I did imagine a lot of crazy stuff when I was still at
Harvard."
Me: "Princeton."
JN: "Oh, right. Princeton. Go Bulldogs!"
Me: "Bulldogs - that's Yale."
JN: (much louder) "Go Bulldogs!"
Me: "No need to yell, sir."
JN: "Sorry, but you said 'Yale'."
Me: "What was your theory on cooperation?"
JN: "It's like this. Imagine you and three of your guy friends go in
a bar. In that bar are five ladies. Four of them are normal, average
gals. But the fifth is a drop-dead gorgeous movie-star beauty. What
would you do?"
Me: "I'd go for the beauty. You never know. Try your luck and all that."
JN: "And what do you think your guy friends would do?"
Me: "Well, the same, I guess."
JN: "And what do you think would happen?"
Me: "This really did happen once to me and my buds. In the end, we
were all like tripping over each other in order to impress Ms.
Butterfly Eyes. We ended up looking like fools."
JN: "Any one of your friend or you get to first base with her?"
Me: "Nope. I don't blame her either. Some really rich looking
preppie got her."
JN: "That would have been John Kennedy Jr., right?"
Me: "Yeh, now that you mention it, that preppie sure did look familiar."
JN: "Now, what would have happened, if you and your guy friends looked
at the situation first. You all would realize that the odds of making
time with the Movie Star were relatively low."
Me: "Of course."
JN: "But if you all cooperated, and each guy picked out one of the
average gals so that you could concentrate your attentions on one
without any competition, what would be your chances?"
Me: "Well, pretty good, I think. That's how I met my wife."
JN: "So, as a mathematician, I analyze. Results of competition: zero.
Results of cooperation: 100 per cent."
Me: "I see."
JN: "So, will there be anything else? I want to get back to
mathematician's heaven."
Me: "No, you have told us something very valuable. I can imagine what
Math heaven is like."
JN: "Each to his own. I enjoy it, immensely. Thank you for inviting
me here to your blog."
Me: "And thank you, Russell Crowe, for joining us in 'A Beautiful
Pikesville, I Wouldn't Mind'."
And as John Nash disappears into an imaginary square root, let's
discuss these important ideas that he left us with.
1. Even crazy academics can get movies made about them.
2. I shoudda tried harder for the blond.
3. The square root of negative one is not an imaginary number in
heaven. Integers are the imaginary numbers there. Along with the
extra seven microscopic multiple dimensions and string theories.
3. Cooperation is sometimes better than competition. Almost always.
Alot. Cooperation: Good. Competition: Bad.
It's this last point that I want to stress. You know what irks me
about Pikesville? Besides Reisterstown road, that is? It's the
parking. Not that there is necessarily a parking problem. Because
there seems to be enough parking. I mean, I have never not found a
place to park in Pikesville.
It's the No Parking signs. What irks me is those signs in the parking
lots behind every store in Pikesville. You know, the ones that say
"Parking for this store customers only. All others towed away."
Doesn't that just soak your Twinkies?
Well, my Twinkies are pretty mushy about these signs. My Twinkies are
so mushy, that I can't even pick them up to eat them. I have to slurp
them off of the saucer.
To think that if I shop in one store in Pikesville, and as a customer
I park in the store parking lot, and then walk over to another store,
that the first store might just get so soaked that they call the
towing company about me.
To be fair, I have never been towed out of a Pikesville parking lot.
I have never seen it done to anyone else, either. On top of that, I
haven't seen any cars towed out of Pikesville for bad parking, either.
("rim-shot")
But nevertheless, it sure is irritating to see those No Parking
Customers Only signs. It is like the owner is saying "I want only my
customers in my little store to park in my little parking lot.
Everybody else - go to hell."
Which may or may not be the actual sentiment of the various business
owners. But that is how it looks to me. Which may mean that I have
paranoid tendencies. Which may be true.
And speaking of paranoid schizos, John Nash believed that Commie
Russian Spies in the U.S. were communicating secret U.S. Government
secrets to the Commie Russian Communists, using newspaper articles and
advertisements, in special secret Commie codes. John Nash, using his
specially trained mathematical beautiful mind, would read all of the
newspapers and magazines, and attempt to decode the secret Commie code
communications. He also believed that he was working for the CIA.
The truth is, that there is no such agency as the CIA. You are not
even allowed to type the letters CIA more than three times in any one
document. And you can never type the letters NSA. Because there is
no such agency.
John Nash was actually successful in finding the secret messages. Not
that it helped him get the blond.
There was one very secret message about Pikesville. It said that the
business owners and merchants should work together and cooperate
regarding parking in Pikesville.
Which I don't really believe. I mean, why should Commie Russian spies
be reporting valuable business information back to the Kremlin? The
Kremlin would just tell you to park in Siberia for ten years.
My secret message to the business leaders, movers and shakers of
Pikesville would be to cooperate with each other regarding parking,
take down all those nasty No Parking Customers Only signs, and invite
in fact, offer free car washes for anyone who parks his or her car in
Pikesville. Sort of "clean up your act".
Pikesville is competing with the Owings Mills mall, and Reisterstown
Plaza for business. I think that Pikesville should act collectively,
like the owner of a mall. They should all cooperate in attracting
customers and businesses into the town. Take down all the parking
signs. They don't help. Not a secret. And Russel Crowe is much
better looking that John Nash ever was. Guess who got the blond?

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